Some Truth

Truth is no matter how good I manage to pretend I am ok, being jobless is not fulfilling. Every time I meet an old school mate who is working and I tell them I’m not working, I feel like their face changes. Like all over sudden, a face filled with pity emerges. And how hard I try to convince them it’s not the end of the world. One would think I’m trying to convince myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not miserable. Not always at least. Nor am I being ungrateful, heaven knows I have my ups. What I’m trying to say is, every time I see someone who has a permanent job, my mind automatically asks that question, “why not me?” and yes I am afraid I might end up being the only one who is unemployed when all the people I know get jobs. So I ask myself, “What do I do wrong?”

I do subscribe to the whole, “do not compare you with everyone else” teachings. But in a world where your success is measured by the failure of the man next to you, do you really want to be the man next to the successful person? So why would I not live in comparison to my neighbor? Why would I bother competing with me when the world is looking at the performance of my neighbor and me? 

I believe it is not just me in this circle of misery, but because, just like me, the rest of the members in this circle put on that fake smile every day, convince themselves tomorrow is another day with beautiful promises. And so we lie to ourselves and to the rest of the world. Most of us human beings are pathological liars.