Your Self hatred is the Problem

After I had written my Malawi School Certificate of Education (MSCE) exams I got in a huge fight with my then best friend. We stayed over two months without talking ti each other. 

They say people tell you what they think/heard/know about the person you love when you have broken up. This is quite common in the context of romantic relationships. You will learn about the extent of your partner’s infidelities, for example, after things between you end. Well the same happened in that moment, a common friend of ours (my best friend and I) told her they didn’t like me “I only tolerate her because she’s your friend.”  -I learnt this after we made up of-course. 

Now I like to tell myself that I don’t force things and true to myself I stopped talking to that person unless they talk to me. I did not confront her or anything because what would have been the point? In hindsight, what if they never said it. Anyway I digress. Fast forward 3 or 4 years later, she lost someone significant in her life. I reached out to her, offering my condolences. She was devastated and I lent her my ear. Why did I do this? I have no idea but I did. 

When I started working, I at one point had an argument with a group of friends (a day most have not allowed me to forget). I strongly believe that even though I may have overreacted, my initial reaction was justified and the situation escalated because there was an attempt to dismiss my concerns (but that’s a story for another day). Anyway, similar sentiments were made by one of the people I sometimes regarded as a friend (it’s complicated). And as patterns would have it, when this friend was down, I again reached out. 

Looking at the two stories, I sometimes found myself asking “what is wrong with me?” Now that I am older I don’t ask that question anymore, not because I escape accountability but because I have come to realise that sometimes you are not the problem even if you keep finding yourself in the same situation over and over, your self hatred is. 

As I grow I begin to realise that I have not been kind to myself. If I get hurt my reaction is “why did you do this ti yourself again?” “ Why did you think it could be different for you?” “You really think yourself special huh?”

When my brother died my thought process went “my mother’s son” “my mom has lost the caring child” I felt more sad for everyone because they were now stuck with me. It took me a long time to realise that I too had lost him. 

Over the tears I have made statements like “I am hard to love” “the people that love me are just surviving me” “my friend are the strongest people I know to be able to still be my friends till now.” Could this be why I reach out to people I know don’t like me. Am I forcing myself on them under the guise of being empathetic? 

Why am I telling this story? A while back I was disrespected at work and a colleague was more offended than I was. When asked why I didn’t seem bothered my response was “I have a high tolerance for pain/disrespect” As I lay in bed today at 4:15, having been up since 12:00midnight I find myself wondering just how much I have tolerated. Just how much mistreatment and disrespect I have allowed onto myself? How is this still the case? Just how much have I convinced myself to be grateful for the people that “survive” me? What is real and what isn’t? What have I maintained that I should have let go of?

One of the things on my to do list for the year is to be kind to myself. I am trying. They say old habits die hard and once or twice I do find myself seeking external validation, but yeah . It’s a process 

All in all, they didn’t lie about midnight thoughts